A friend approaches you and says something unexpected. “I quit my job”. “I am going to Madagascar”. “I’ve been to Las Vegas last night”. “I am relocating to Mars”. Stunned, you don’t know how to react. But they eagerly expect a reaction.

What do you say?

I usually say:

“Tell me more”

Given the setup, I obviously care about that person. If I didn’t, I would have just shrugged, said “ok”, and walked away. I wouldn’t be bothered to satisfy their expectation for an answer. But I do bother. So, I care.

But I don’t know whether to say: “Great news” or “I am so sorry”. Meaning, I do not understand the situation. I do not know what are the implications of the statement. So, to react genuinely, I need more information. I want to prompt my friend to let me know more.

And “Tell me more” is just asking for that.

More “Tell me more”

There are many ways to say “Tell me more”:

• “Tell me more” is the most open prompt. It lets the person know that I am listening and that I am eager to hear more. It invites them to tell me whatever they want.
• The actual best way to get a person to talk is to shut up myself. Sometimes, I just hold a pause, an uncomfortably long pause, and stare into their eyes, waiting for them to continue their story. This works even better, but feels less comfortable in some situations.
• Then, I sometimes say “You do?”. This gives a confirmation that I heard the person, but still prompts them to speak.
• For personal topics, “How do you feel about that?” works well too. This is narrowly inquires the friend specifically about their emotions, but it still invites them to talk openly.

“Tell me at work”

This is good for relationships - and this is also a good tool for work.

You are a team lead. Your team member comes to you and says: “I dropped the production database”, “I screamed at John”, “I relocate to Mars office”, etc. You are in the same shoes. Provided, your need to understand the situation now is not only growing out of your caring, but also from the practical need to know what to do. Yet, you still need to get more information. And in the boss-employee situation especially, you crave to know what your team member actually thinks. You don’t want them to please you - you want them to be honest. So what do you do?

You encourage them to keep talking and telling you more information, without restricting them. You say:

Tell me more

and shut up.

Helps every time.